My middle son came home from his dormitory for a quick visit yesterday. (In Israel the boys who learn in Yeshiva get out of class early on Tuesday afternoons. Sometimes they stay in the dorm and sometimes they come home overnight.) We enjoyed our visit and he shared some stories about his classes and some of his friends.
One story was completely appalling. His particular yeshiva gives out report cards three times a year instead of twice, so most of the boys received them by mail during the Chanukah break. One friend received some grades that his parents weren’t happy with, so they decided some disciplinary action was warranted. Ok, so far everything seems normal, right?
Here is where it gets creepy. Number one, instead of discussing the problem with their son, they sent him off to school after the break with all kinds of treats. In the bag with these treats they included a letter, in which they told him that they would be taking away computer priviledges, and suggesting that it would be better for him to stay at school on Tuesday afternoons to study instead of coming home.
Understandably, the kid was furious at his parents for writing this in a letter instead of discussing it face to face. He was probably really hurt, too, at the rejection. He even said that he wants to go live with his grandparents instead of going back home.
What the hell is wrong with these people? How could they be so cruel to their kid? How could they possibly think that rejecting him would be a way to motivate him to study harder? How could they be so cowardly as to write this in a letter instead of talking to him face to face?
Whenever I find myself getting very angry and exasperated with my kids, especially as they go through their teenage years, I make myself stop and think, What kind of a relationship do I want with my sons when they are adults?(which, when you think about it, isn’t very far in the future….) I then tell myself that what I say and do NOW will affect that relationship, and I should try my best to get a grip, even if it means biting my tongue and ignoring something for a little while.
Sometimes this trick works, and sometimes it doesn’t, but at least I am aware that how I relate to my kids now is important. I am afraid that this other family is headed for trouble – over nothing.
West Bank Mama 
Dec 31, 2009 @ 21:25:54
This is a very sade tale. I have no other words.
Jan 01, 2010 @ 14:35:02
I think you’re very wise to be looking ahead at your future relationship with your children. Most of our parenting life is spent parenting adults, and while I’m sure it’s awkward parenting teens (not children anymore, but not adults yet either), I know from having been a teen how important those years are with parents, and the more loving and supportive the parents during this time, the smoother things will be a few years down the road.
Jan 02, 2010 @ 22:03:55
Sad story. These parents seem totally out-of-touch with their teenage boy and have probably more problems in store. Dealing with teeangers is hard but not talking will only make things harder.
Jan 10, 2010 @ 08:25:07
I totally agree and support your attitude and hashkafa about how to deal with your kids. Excellent advice.
The story does seem really sad. Just for the record, though, remember that you are hearing this story 2nd hand, and ‘through the keyhole’ as it were. You don’t really know the whole picture. Maybe, maybe (and I’m fantasizing here people–please no flames) this is a kid with a history. Maybe they’ve tried other methods. Maybe they want to on the one hand, show they love him (personally I try not to reward/bribe/pacify my kids with treats but that’s just me) but on the other hand make sure he gets the message. Maybe he’s the kind of kid that when you try to talk to him he blows up or simply doesn’t take his parents seriously. A note is harder to ignore.
I agree it seems weird, but so often we don’t have the whole picture…
Hat Tip to Jameel who sent me to read this specific post. It’s interesting…